Since I kept both myself and Amelia alive (with lots of help, obviously) for five months, I figured that I can finally consider myself qualified to give other anxious moms some advice for getting through the first three months of life with a baby.
1. Get yourself some (real) mom friends. One of the most invaluable resources I had during the first few months was regular contact with several friends whose babies were of the same age as Amelia. But if you're anything like me, you need to find friends that you can vent to and who won't judge you for thinking that having a baby kind of sucks sometimes. Friends you can text in the middle of the night because they're awake too. I can't overstate how helpful it is to have someone outside of your situation that could understand the unique mixture of love, frustration, guilt, terror and dislike that come with having a baby.
2. Don't stress too much about habits. Before I had a baby I read a lot about getting babies to sleep, and while some of it was helpful most of it lulled me into a false sense of control over everything. The fact is, based on my experience and the experience of other parents I know, your child is born with certain sleeping habits. There are certain things you can do to help encourage some habits over others, but really the baby is going to call the shots. I swore up and down that I'd never cosleep, but in the middle of the night when I didn't want to sit in a chair for a 20-minute feed only to have Amelia's eyes spring open the second I put her down, suddenly I didn't really care about habits I might be creating. Survive day to day and don't stress too much about habits you may be creating down the line. You'll have plenty of time for consistency later.
3. Live second by second, day by day. I tend to get really anxious when I feel trapped. I know "trapped" is a crappy word to use when talking about your flesh and blood that you created, but knowing that I am a mother forever and that my life has been permanently changed always overwhelms me if I think about it too long. For someone like me who gets far too caught up in the future, I found in the first months that it helped to focus only on what was right in front of me.
4. Pick a mantra. Many people who know me know that I have a secret love for cheesy-ass country music. When Amelia was in the throes of colic, I remembered a stupid country song called "You're Gonna Miss This," and I'd often repeat the chorus to myself: "you're gonna miss this/you're gonna want this back/you're gonna wish these days/hadn't gone by so fast." Maudlin and cliched and ridiculous, but I found that saying it to myself helped keep the whole thing in perspective--this time was temporary and short-lived, and she'd be older before I knew it.
5. Be clear about your needs. I still struggle with this. I often expected Rob to anticipate my needs without actually conveying them, which meant that I was almost always left feeling resentful and put-upon (it helps that I sometimes love being a martyr. Wife of the year). When I started feeling more comfortable telling him "I need a nap, can you watch the baby?" I found that he was more than willing to help. This goes for people outside of your relationship as well--other moms are often incredibly enthusiastic to lend a hand if you ask for it.
6. Sleep when the baby sleeps, but do other things too. I hated hearing "sleep when the baby sleeps," because while it is great advice, I found that watching the laundry and dog hair pile up caused me more stress than sleep deprivation. I started carving out time to fold laundry, do dishes, vacuum. It was surprisingly relaxing to do something that didn't need me, that didn't scream at me, that didn't make me feel completely inadequate.
7. Go easy on yourself. Take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy, both physically and mentally. If this means giving up breastfeeding, go for it. If it means putting your darling child in daycare once they are old enough, do it. Mom guilt is impossible to escape, but try to give yourself permission to be a person too. You are no less of a parent for doing so.
So there you have it, some of the things that kept me sane for months 1-3. If you have any to add please feel free to do so in the comments!
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